See Gina Blog

A dozen roses! , originally uploaded by gina.banina.

I didn’t do the obligatory birthday blog post this year, but I absolutely should have at least mentioned this:

He got me a dozen roses!!!

I am a very, very lucky girl.

“Middle Class Piggy”, originally uploaded by Dave Allen Photography.

In preparing for secret, secret plans (muahaha!) my honey and I have devised a competition to see who can spend less money over the coming months. This will be a challenge for me, because: 1) I live paycheck to paycheck as it now stands, 2) I have a Twizzlers addiction that is unsurpassed, and 3) I need caffeine (in the form of diet soda, thank you!) like I need air – neither can I go without for very long.

The competition began yesterday, December 1st, and so far so good for me. I have remembered to bring my lunch, purchased soda in 6-pack instead of fountain form, and have “just said no” to my Twizzler addiction. I miss Twizzlers already and it has only been 2 days since I last had them. This will be a difficult road ahead, with no Twizzlers in sight. Twizzlers are a superfluous expense, after all, or so people claim. Pfft. My honey has had no need to spend money yet, so of course he is winning by default currently. So not fair. (Heh).

(Update:  I have already broken down and bought a bag.  I was craving them so badly… At least I am forcing myself to save them until the weekend, right?)

Top Ten of Summer –

1. Attended two Midwest burns and am officially captivated by the culture.
2. Learned I really love camping and can in fact put up a tent by myself!
3. Met an incredible person who may be the most positive influence of my entire life.
4. Moved from a studio apartment to a one bedroom in a garden neighborhood.
5. Watched Jasper come back to a happy place when we moved to our new home.
6. Decided to stop drinking and have happily remained sober since.
7. Shot some of the best photographs I have ever taken, one week ago.
8. Modeled for a photographer who took some of the best shots of me ever.
9. Found myself shaking hands with the past and moving on.
10. Learned much about myself.

Knee highs!, originally uploaded by gina.banina.

My apologies for the silence. I have had much going on in my personal life, none of which I feel comfortable writing on in much detail. I do have an update of sorts, though.

In the past few months I have experienced a slew of emotions, thought much about long-term goals and desires for myself, and spent much time getting to know myself, or trying to. I am at a point where I just wish I knew what the future held so I could be sure of things. I am in the process of self-discovery and searching.

What I would like is to find someone intelligent and thoughtful with whom I can share time and a good connection. I would like to find someone who appreciates the importance of balance. All the better if they appreciate art, books, nature, and travel. My greatest desire is to find someone with whom I can one day make a home. I thought I had found that person, but things did not work out that way, so I continue to search for that.

At present I am single and learning to appreciate my own company: going out for tea by myself, staying in to do crafty things, and reading when concentration permits. My downtime is spent attempting introspection, considering past and present patterns, and questioning what matters most. I am doing some reading to get closer to answers, but with so much on my mind it has become somewhat difficult to focus.

(more…)

I have returned to deeply thinking on the topic of honesty in the past couple of weeks, thanks to two who inspired me to do so. Avoidance never leads to authenticity. Being blown off is not something that impresses or draws respect. Skirting around feelings or thoughts does not result in anything positive.

Why is it people must avoid, skirt, or otherwise hide in order to remove themselves from the discomfort of honesty? You don’t wish to spend further time with her? Tell her. You feel he isn’t smart enough, sexy enough, or tame enough to be your partner or friend? Tell him. It serves no good purpose if you’re unhappy and she’s confused, or if he is holding on and crushing when you aren’t at all interested, like a sad little puppy.

I say all of that while thinking of some people I have been avoiding honesty with for fear of hurting them. I want more than anything to ensure those I love are happy. This can get me into trouble, trust me, but still it is so difficult to tell someone something when I know it will anger or hurt them. It certainly will result in someone being unhappy with me.

… With all that said, if it is me someone is avoiding, skirting, or hiding the honesty from, I ask: please just tell me the truth. Tact is appreciated, but truth is impressive, regardless.

I have begun to wonder if men and women can be platonic friends – without sexual tension of some nature being a part of it.  I can list on perhaps one hand the number of men who have not left things uncomfortable with a sexual proposition of some kind by the end of an evening spent out together.

I have always had male friends and have always seemed to find it easier to interact with men over women.  The women I do get along with are the ones who usually do not get along with other women either.

I have begun to question if men and women can be friends, though, because of the interactions with men friends I have had in recent months.  Men with whom I have attempted to be platonic in the past several months have made it very clear that:  a) they wish to have sex with me, or b) they’re crushing on me.

While on the surface, I am sure that this doesn’t sound like such a problem, it is actually a problem:  I would like to spend an enjoyable evening out with someone connecting without fearing that they are going to develop a crush on me or begin trying to seduce me.  I am beginning to preface invites to male friends with “platonic,” as in “I am looking for a platonic date to…”  I have even begun to question my clothing choices, intentionally limiting myself to select clothing because of how a male friend might respond to it.

So I ask:  does anyone else find it possible to be friends with the opposite sex and how do you get beyond sexual tension, unintentional crushing, and superficial focus (i.e. on tits and ass instead of heart and brain)?  I really would like to find a solution to this increasing frustration and unfortunate lack of depth in my opposite sex friendships.

(Please do not make rude/pointless comments like “Oh poor you, such a rough life…” or “You’re so full of yourself…” because these things are happening to me and it is frustrating as hell).