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Why is it that we don’t appreciate the people in our lives until they’re gone?  Or maybe it’s just me who doesn’t.  Recently my life changed when someone I loved walked out of my life.  It took this happening for me to really understand how good this person was to me and how good this person was for me.

I know that I will never have this person back in my life in quite the same way and this is not written with secret intentions to regain his/her affections and attentions.  I simply am beginning to see that as much as I try to appreciate those with whom I am involved I do not always do it effectively.

I do not believe that things were so black and white that it was all one person or the other person’s fault; however, I do think a change in attitude within me might have been a step toward something better.

What I see now, left without this person in my life, is that this person turned me into somebody loved.  This person pushed me to be a better person; he/she was a positive influence for me and I needed him/her to be that.    I am not sure I did very well at expressing my appreciation.  I hope one day he/she will know that I did see it in the end, just too late it seems. (If he/she is reading this, thank you, truly).

In the past several months I have realized that this is a pattern for me.  I once willingly gave up someone during a very confused time and through this lost much more than just a lover.  Two years later I am lucky enough to have him in my life as a friend.  His current partner is very lucky to have found him and I am so glad that he has found the happiness that he has found.  I see now what I evidently didn’t see well enough previously and I can only be left learning from my past.

I suppose life is about learning.  I am trying, really trying, to learn from my past and present and one day maybe I will have a bit more of this life thing figured out.

I have begun to wonder if men and women can be platonic friends – without sexual tension of some nature being a part of it.  I can list on perhaps one hand the number of men who have not left things uncomfortable with a sexual proposition of some kind by the end of an evening spent out together.

I have always had male friends and have always seemed to find it easier to interact with men over women.  The women I do get along with are the ones who usually do not get along with other women either.

I have begun to question if men and women can be friends, though, because of the interactions with men friends I have had in recent months.  Men with whom I have attempted to be platonic in the past several months have made it very clear that:  a) they wish to have sex with me, or b) they’re crushing on me.

While on the surface, I am sure that this doesn’t sound like such a problem, it is actually a problem:  I would like to spend an enjoyable evening out with someone connecting without fearing that they are going to develop a crush on me or begin trying to seduce me.  I am beginning to preface invites to male friends with “platonic,” as in “I am looking for a platonic date to…”  I have even begun to question my clothing choices, intentionally limiting myself to select clothing because of how a male friend might respond to it.

So I ask:  does anyone else find it possible to be friends with the opposite sex and how do you get beyond sexual tension, unintentional crushing, and superficial focus (i.e. on tits and ass instead of heart and brain)?  I really would like to find a solution to this increasing frustration and unfortunate lack of depth in my opposite sex friendships.

(Please do not make rude/pointless comments like “Oh poor you, such a rough life…” or “You’re so full of yourself…” because these things are happening to me and it is frustrating as hell).

One of my blogger pals, Hilly, recently put up a post on simple rules to be her friend and she permitted me to post a similar list on my own blog, as I was so inspired by her list.  Without further adieu.

1.  Authenticity:  I don’t want to be friends with a facade.  I want to be friends with a person.  If you play games, talk behind my back, or otherwise show yourself to be dishonest and untrustworthy, I don’t need or want you in my life.

2.  Intelligence: Be able to put together an e-mail with decent grammar and spelling.  I like to surround myself with people with whom I can have an intelligent conversation ‚ whether it’s about art, books, current events, film, music, or something else.  It is a plus if you’ve read a book in the last decade ‚ and not a text book or one on serial killers.

3.  Open-mindedness:  If you are homophobic, sexist, racist, or otherwise closed-minded we will not get along.  I have friends and family members of many beliefs, cultures, ethnicities, and lifestyles and I don’t appreciate my friends (or me) being discriminated against.

4.  Respect:  It’s a matter of respect saying please, thank you, and bless you (if someone sneezes).  Furthermore, it is respect to hold a door for someone, to treat service staff like people, to not talk over others, and to not to stand up friends (call if you can’t make it).  If you don’t show respect for me and/or others, I will quickly lose my respect for you and will not want to spend time with you.

5.  Sense of humor:  I can appreciate a dark, twisted sense of humour but also appreciate a dry sense of humor (think British comedy) or slapstick humor (think Chevy Chase).  I’m varied in my sense of humor, clearly, so it doesn’t take much to get a laugh out of me.  Laughter is important in any relationship, including friendship.